The best way to start analysis on a slate after taking a day off from writing is to quickly glance over each game and make notes on the immediate thought that comes to mind on the game. So with a few Abita’s down the tank, also having watched a Drew Brees documentary and listening to some weird angry music, here’s my quick thoughts before we dive into the breakdown on the slate. The original memo on the Dongers Club was to be entertaining…. Lets roll.

A few things jump out at me immediately on this fine random Tuesday. It’s not that random though as this is the FINAL Tuesday for the baseball season to keep it’s last strangle hold on the year before NFL is totally in full swing. Not that it hasn’t already taken over with countless discussions on who you should draft in best ball formats. Let me, the guy who told you Alvin Kamara last year, help you out this year….

Now back to the slate tonight. I already knew Jake Junis was slated to start against the Detroit Tigers and I broke down on Twitter a few reasons why you should roster Junis tonight.

“For you guys who like SP history vs a team. 3 GS, 3-0, 22 IP, 4 ER, 18 K … 26.2 DK points per game. And he’ll be sub 8k.” … He is 7100 for those keeping score at home and his team the Royals will be at home against …. Matt Boyd. When the Royals are home vs Matt Boyd, we stack the Royals.

Elsewhere on this slate a few things have leaped out at me… First, we have the Twins in Cleveland vs Carlos Carrasco… Yes. LiC.

Carlos begins with a C. Cam begins with a C. Kepler has Six letters in it. You know what makes me think of SIX? Jon Vilma pick six of course off a Fraud C.

Second…. (i keep counting first, second, so get used to it, okay?) … Second… We have Milwaukee in Cincinnati. I don’t care who’s pitching for the Reds. It could be Jose Rijo and it feels like Eric Thames is going to poke one out for sure tomorrow along with Braun and Yelich.

Oh. It’s Desclafani?

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And then there is Jose Urena in Fenway vs the Red Sox ….

Wait..

Wait…

Hold up ….

You’re telling me I can play Junis…. With the Brewers in Cincy, Whit and Salvy vs Boyd and the LiC vs Carrasco …. and I can Pair them with JOSE URENA ON A TUESDAY IN AUGUST?

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okay… fine… I wont play him

Seriously? How does one not start with Junis and Urena? I mean…. If we’re being honest here, we could just list 15 pitchers tonight, 15 stacks and just say to hedge ever single fucking one of them right???

Okay… Lets be frank. There’s not a chance in hell we should consider Urena in Boston in 90 degree temps…. Unless… Wait. What if… What if Urena was paired with Julio Teheran and we went full “F it” with our pitchers? I mean. Urena has no other choice right now other than to take the label as the bad ass right???

Guys. I’m kidding. Don’t play Urena.

So what else is on this slate?

Oh just Lance Lynn vs James Shields in 90 degree Yankee Stadium and the Dodgers in Texas vs a Little Mermaid. No big deal.

On with the slate.

PITCHING

JAKE JUNIS … Yes, he is my guy today. For those of you who want to move along go ahead as there are some other good options today. For anyone who wants to give me shit for using him tonight, I encourage you to google “Muck Sticky – F Off”, just dont listen to it around women or children. Okay?

JULIO TEHERAN …. Is it a Julio day or no? I say yes. The Braves should crush the Rays and their whole opener theory tonight (note: dont stack Atlanta. Just dont, they’ve been a massive trap most of the year) but I like Julio tonight.

JACK FLAHERTY .. Nah, I’m just trolling ..

Oh hey, there’s some Ace’s going today?

Let’s break down these ACES matchups

NL CY YOUNG BATTLE 2.0 … Max vs Nola …

Hang on. Always go with NOLA at home.

Well duuuh, that’s where we are going. Nola won the battle last week and he is definitely my vote for NL Cy Young but I do expect Max to step it up here tonight but there’s no way in hell I do not see Nick Williams jacking one off… Meanwhile, as for the Phillies offensively …… Hey-oooo!

The next ACES matchup of the night is between the New York Mets and Jake deGrom versus the Chicago Cubs and Jon Lester. Did you know that Chicago is the home of the Twinkie?

AND our third and final ACES matchup of the night is Thomas Pannone vs Josh Rogers, which if that doesn’t sound like a couple 27 year old millenial fucktards on twitter posting about their H2H contests and their MFL10 drafts while ranting about the finer things in Nashville and pondering moving to San Diego then I dont know what does. In other news, Alex Bregman is a fucking stud.

okay, so here’s the offical pitcher rankings

PITCHER RANKINGS

Jake Junis … Suck it
Max Scherzer … I was just joking around above, I like this game to go the Nats way again tonight and Max is the only guy I would pay over 10k for tonight.
Jack Flaherty … on FD
Julio Teheran
Kyle Freeland

LONGSHOT

JOSE URENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA … No, dont do it!

FAVORITE STACKS

Twins … Kepler, Rosario, Morrison, Ariana Grande
Brewers … Thames, Braun, Yelich, Shaw
Players abducted by aliens in November and you cannot spell Aliens with out Li … C
Royals … Whit, Salvy
Dodgers … Feels like every fucktard Dodger is gonna homer here. Dozier, Taylor, Kike
Red Sox … Yeah. Um. Urena.
Capricorns …Aug 28, 2018 – Today you feel in control and on top of the world. You can do anything, Capricorn. This would be an auspicious time to begin a new project or creative endeavor. You can’t help but succeed, but take care not to get in your own way. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. Believe in yourself and move confidently in the direction of your dreams in order to make them come true.
Capricorn Baseball Players
- Kris Bryant, 26. …. He’s pretty much dead
- Albert Pujols, 38. ….. He’s in a walker
- Bobby Crosby, 38. …. Who?
- Kevin Pillar, 29. … oh… yeah, sure!
- Edwin Encarnación, 35. …. Oh fuck yes!
- Matt Holliday, 38. …. nah
- Brayan Pena, 36. … what?
- Jon Lester, 34. …. oooooooooh, day late sir.

Meanwhile…. Acquarius …

Aug 28, 2018 – Friendship could turn into romance if you aren’t careful, Aquarius. A platonic relationship could turn passionate, and no one would be more surprised than you. Think carefully about where you’d like this to go. While it can’t go back to the way it was, you can stop it from progressing further if you’re uncomfortable with the new dynamic. You can only make this decision once.

While we are here and distracted by another ABITA Wrought Iron IPA … Lets examine Mr. Junis and Urena’s horoscope for Tuesday …

Aug 28, 2018 – Tact isn’t necessarily your strong suit, Virgo. No one would accuse you of being overly sensitive to other people’s emotions, but today you turn over a new leaf. This “new and improved” you tunes in to the thoughts and feelings of others and responds in thoughtful, caring ways. You may be surprised at how effective this gentler touch can be.